"I'm still learning things I oughta know by now"

Maybe for the first time, I finally feel my actual age.  I've always felt not quite like a twenty-something, more like I was playing pretend at being "grown up".  There have been times when things haven't gone quite right and I've thought, okay, not having things go your way, that happens to adults, so I must be one now.  I don't know, it's tough to explain.  It's even tougher to explain why I finally feel older, it's been a combination of so many things happening--good and not so good.  I feel like I'm creating a home here, and the complicated thought of leaving it has really been shoved in my face this week.

I never planned on settling in China, and I still don't.  When my closest friends here last year left for good in the early summer, I didn't think I was long for this city, which might be why I wasn't overly sad.  When I decided to pursue this career, much of the allure was the prospect of moving between cities and countries, not being tied to one place, and that was always exciting to me.  Then this year, I started meeting more and more people, spending more and more time out of doors, and the decision to spend another year after this one in my city came pretty naturally.  In the back of my mind I knew that one day I would leave, but I didn't dwell on it.  This past week, one of those new friends left the country for his own home, and all of a sudden the idea of leaving has come back at me.  It's weird, because I had close friends at home and I was able to leave them without a moment's pause because I knew that my coming here was right.  I was able to leave my family, too, but right now, the thought of someday leaving my friends here is really freaking me out.  I wonder where I will go, and if I'll meet more people as amazing and open as these...I know that I'll make friends wherever I am, because I've done it before, but it's still bugging me.  I shouldn't even be thinking about it now, I've still got loads of time to make any decision.  It's just made me realize that in this life I've chosen, I will always either be leaving or having friends leave me for new places, which is an overwhelming thought.

"My memory is cruel--the queen of attention to details"