an in-between kind of day

You know how when your plans get messed up, it throws off the rest of your day? That was my today. I'm going to blame it on the weathermen who said it would start sleeting in Tulsa at eight this morning, so I didn't think I'd be able to make it up there before the storm hit. When did it start coming down? 1:15 p.m. My mom said, "Well Meagan, you would just be stuck in a room up there". Yes, stuck in a room with some of my dear friends who I never get to see. Hopefully I'll make it up to Tulsa at some point this weekend to see everyone.

So after realizing that I wouldn't be driving up there, it was really hard to get out of bed, even to just go downstairs and make myself lunch. I finally got up the willpower to do that and get gym clothes on, and actually made it to the gym. As I'm coming out of the women's workout room to head to my stationary bike, I see someone (mentioned a few blogs ago) who I never intended to see or speak to again in my life. I did have a premonition of this chance encounter earlier this week, so I wasn't caught completely off guard, but I would have paid money to see my face at the moment we realized who each other were. And he came over and we had a brief, not too awkward conversation (made awkward partially because I was biking and slightly breathless, which I usually am when I talk to boys anyway), and the world did not turn inside out or end or anything of the sort. This little meeting has set me to thinking about everything having to do with him again, and I feel a little bit of closure after the way we left off last fall. We're both doing well, and as much as I hate admitting it, I was kinda happy to see him. But that's only natural, because he used to make me happy all the time.

So now I'm just sitting in bed, waiting to see if this weather will actually happen. Five days is still simply not enough time.

"Sweet like a kiss, sharp like a razorblade--I find you when I'm close to the bottom." - Miranda Lambert

these sappy movies get me every time

The Notebook is on TV, and since I first watched it this past fall I have to watch it every chance I get. I just can't get enough of that chemistry between Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams. It's unfortunate when people break up, but it sure is awesome to have video proof of what was once a beautiful relationship.

I am down to ten days until I leave, and as excited as I am, I feel like it's just not enough time. Time for what, I don't even know, but not enough. I've decided that I don't plan on staying in the house in North Little Rock if I do have to come back, so I've started moving my stuff to my mom's house. It's really sad, because even though I knew that I'd be leaving when I moved here back in September, I still felt like I would spend my entire life here. You can just get used to a place, you know? And it was the first place that was mine, not my mom's or the school's. I paid for it every month and I helped keep it clean(-ish) and decorate it, and it is a beautiful house in a lovely neighborhood. I spent all day yesterday with my roommate Sara and now I feel awful for leaving her behind, in a sense. But this move is what makes the most sense to me. I guess this is me putting all my eggs in one basket.

"Kids don't like eating at school, but if they have a Remains of the Day lunchbox they're a lot happier." - Corky St. Clair

who can say anything better than the beatles?

"I'm looking through you, where did you go?
I thought I knew you, what did I know?
You don't look different, but you have changed.
I'm looking through you--you're not the same."

when you're down, and troubled....

For the sake of St. Peter, go to one of these websites for an instant pick-me-up!

awkwardfamilyphotos.com
myfirstfail.com
peopleofwalmart.com

I can't help but smile after checking out these pictures!

little things

This is going to be a good week, would you like to know why? 1) I don't work past 1:30 p.m. on any day. 2) I get to sleep an extra hour tomorrow and Thursday. 3) I have Friday off and I'm having lunch in Conway and seeing UCA with the brother. 4) The best episode yet of American Idol will be on tomorrow night and mom and I are having a watch party. 5) I am finally on some meds to kick this sickness.

Now it's time for some word association. "_____ remind(s) me of _______."

my blue sunglasses--Susie
Paris--Hannah
New York--Conly
picking out cookie mixes--Emily
no-bake cookies--Charity
NLR High--Sara
our kitchen--Matt
YouTube--Keenan
California--Teryn
TU football--Ashley
ice--Tony
headset #42--Stephen

"We were like children, laughing for hours. The joy you gave me lives on and on, 'cause I know you by heart." - Eva Cassidy

seventeen days and counting

Well, not much has happened this week. Emotionally, I've been pretty fixated on working through Stephen leaving. (People who know me well enough know that I can get really attached to people really quickly, and this has been one of those things.) We met with some people from work for a farewell dinner on Tuesday night and ended up spending almost three hours at Larry's Pizza talking and laughing and remembering misleading first impressions. Wednesday night I met Stephen and Tony at Tony's house to eat cookies (the best I've ever made!) and play Worms with Tony's roommate and fiancee. It was really weird being at work without him, especially since I didn't even get to work next to Tony, who rounded out our happy trio. Stephen texted me Friday night and said he would be in yesterday morning on his way out of town. He came into the drive-thru and we hugged goodbye and his mom waved at me, and I was surprised by the knot I suddenly got in my stomach. Have you ever hugged someone goodbye, knowing that you would most likely never see them in person again? And I don't mean those people you said goodbye to on graduation day and didn't really care one way or the other about ever seeing again, I'm talking about someone that you want to keep seeing all the time but it's not going to happen. It's a bizarre, slightly overwhelming feeling to realize that.

To help me refocus and be more optimistic, I'll close with something Stephen told me before he left. We were working side-by-side and I was saying how unfair it was that we were just getting to be good friends but I might not ever see him again. Here's what he said.

"No no, someday we'll both be in some Wal-Mart in Wyoming, just shopping and we'll bump carts with each other and go, 'Oh my gosh, how have you been? It's been too long!' We'll see each other again."

here's a straightfoward one

Today, I am very sad because my best friend at work had his last day today and he leaves for Louisiana on Saturday. I feel like this is very unfair because we are just getting to be really good friends, and I didn't mind going to work because we got to pretty much just hang out, and now I have 13 work days left without him. It's definitely sucky and I just keep reminding myself that I only have 23 days until I'm on my own journey.

Also, I have had a most unwanted visitor in my dreams lately, someone who was my friend for a very long time and who hurt me very badly. There was so much else going on when that happened that it was really easy to put him out of mind, but all of a sudden he's like these freaking ladybugs in my house that pop up just when you think they're gone and it's so frustrating! But this guy has always had a habit of doing that; it's a power that I've given him, because he hasn't tried to talk to me in months, and he was just such an engrained part of my life for so long that the memory of him doesn't go easily. I just wish I could sleep in peace.

"I love you more than songs can say, but I can't keep running after yesterday." - John Mayer

bayou baby

Across the hot silver countertop
I warned you your unwritten love story would be a fantastic tragedy--
you gave me a funny look,
so I told you tragedy was beautiful
and you laughed at me.
But I'm not ready for our tragic end
and the unfairness of life is such a cliche,
though it seems tragically fitting
in our short-lived circumstance.
Now every time I hear
"Go to bed, you from Shreveport?"
I'll remember to miss you a little more.

"Wish me luck--the same to you" - A Chorus Line

breaking up is hard to do

I may not be snowed in, but I'm sicked in, so I actually get to spend some quality on my computer and in my bed. Both of my roommates are out, so I even have the house all to myself. It's getting colder outside, and the wind woke me up through the night making the windows creak. I'm listening to sadsack emo music that doesn't belong to me, because it's a sadsack kind of day. The sun is trying to come out but I wish it wouldn't; I told Susie last night, I prefer a little rain to all that sunshine business. (Haha, Susie, I mentioned you again!)

I've been thinking about this post for a couple days now, and I guess it was spurred on by a question I get from my girlfriends who know my secrets. They ask how am I doing, and if I'm feeling honest, I'll tell them that I'm doing okay, but it takes work. And it takes work because breaking up is hard to do, and not just in a traditional sense. Have you ever tried to break up with something that is more in your head than in reality? Like an idea or a plan or a person? These things become hobbies, then hobbies become habits, followed by habits changing into addictions. And you know addictions are not healthy things to have, so you want to break yourself of them but it's not that easy. I've never traditionally broken up, but I have a feeling that breaking up with something in your head may even be harder, because you can't turn off your brain or tell it that you need some space, that you're better off as friends. So, you work at breaking your addictions little by little each day, until they revert back to habits then hobbies then casual thoughts and acquaintances. You take the harder days as they come, and acknowledge them in the hopes that they will become fewer and further between, and you realize that for all the unfairness in the world, there's got to be something fair out there to balance it all out. Finally, you come to a parting of the ways, and see that is was good and bad all at the same time while it lasted, and parting is for the best, and the once-addiction slips back into the quieter corners of the mind. The point of it all is that it takes work and conscious effort--you can't just take something that you've given so much power and say, well I'm letting it go and that's the end, it takes time to regain that part of yourself that you gave away.

"The giving up is the hardest part." - John Mayer

it's been a rough day, so I need a good picture

More ready every day to get here.

"And if you have something to say,
you'd better say it now.
'Cause this is what you've waited for-
your chance to even up the score."
- Glen Hansard

this song has summed up my winter, appropriately

And I just wanted to share some of it and remind myself of these words. (I know Susie knows, and much thanks to Emily, Susie, and Hannah for sharing Ingrid and Sara with me.)

'I still believe in summer days, the seasons always change and life will find a way.' - "Winter Song"

I love getting "heavenly hints" that I'm on the right path

So today is Epiphany Sunday, when Christians recognize the importance of the Magi to the Christmas story. I went to my dad's church, and when I was looking for this quote to get all the words right, I realized the pastor word-for-word copied her sermon from one online, same stories and all. It doesn't change the fact, though, that these words spoke to me.

"People who journey without being changed are nomads. People who change without going on a journey are chameleons. People who go on a journey and are changed by the journey are pilgrims." - Rev. Jody Seymour

The theme of travel is central to the role of the Magi, and naturally I am interested in anything having to do with travel right now. I am really expecting to be a pilgrim on my upcoming journey, I'm counting on this trip to show me more about myself and to help me decide where the rest of my life is going. I'm not the only one making an important journey soon, either. I think of my friends who will also be travelling, and I hope the same for them. I'm more and more excited everyday, and hearing words like this really encourage me, and let me know that I'm making the right choice to go and figure myself out on my own.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." - 2 Timothy 1:7

I wrote a blog for you

a.k.a. it takes two, take two.

I cannot in good faith go confidently into a new and very important year without sorting this out in words.

Sometimes, I think it takes two people to kill a relationship, to destroy the bond between each other; so I'll take some of the blame. I refuse to regret what was said, because I can't regret the truth, even if I wish it wasn't the truth. Last night just made it so crystal-clear how far we've fallen, despite my best efforts. I watched these images of me from only a couple months ago and thought, I don't know that girl anymore, I don't remember being that girl, and my heart nearly broke when I realized I'm starting to dread the best and most enduring thing I've ever created. I've changed so much since then-become more cynical, mainly, which I hate. I hate thinking the worst of people, and I'm trying my hardest to not hate you right now, I honestly am. I'm anxiously focusing on the day when insurmountable distance will force you from my brain. I wish we could find normal again, but like the breaking of us, that takes two. Are you in?

"there I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me" - John Mayer

it takes two

Well, here we are, another year past. 2009 was big, for sure: graduation, my first "real" jobs, my first 9-5 (5:30-2:30), my first house with my first real rent, my first fall show at the Rep, the first Young Artists' Day. This title makes no sense in comparison with this actual post. I will finish my thoughts in another post.

Nothing makes ringing in the New Year better than being with Robert Frost and the Susie Dumond. At Susie's house. Toasting the blue moon.

Hello, 2010.